What is and what should never be

For whatever reason, I woke up this morning full of piss and vinegar. Everything, and I mean everything has gone exactly opposite to plan. In hope of finding some solace in the world of wine, I checked my sources for some uplifting/inspiring article from somewhere. This is what I found:

Break out bubbly and raise a glass to salute Colts

For the record, I am all about people drinking more wine than they do so currently. I am also admittedly, not the biggest fan of American football. To put it bluntly, I don't give a damn about it. But if cheering on your favorite gang of meatheads gets you going (and as I child, I remember 'being' a fan of the Steelers - but then who wasn't), why not drink something out of the ordinary? From the article:

"Easley Indiana Champagne, $14. Sweet, fruity, sparkling wine that will please any palate. Perfect with appetizers of any sort: cheeses, nuts, ham rollups, spinach dip.

First off, it's bad enough that my friends out west continue to bastardize this name. Second, I haven't consulted a map but I would be willing to bet that Indiana isn't anywhere close to Champagne. Third, Indiana? And lastly, I know it's football but what the hell is it with the 'ham rollups'. I know that people have been serving this crap to each other for millenia, but for the love of God, stop it. You, yes you, have the power to exact a change. Do the world a favor and please break the cycle. Seriously, just be honest for about one second and admit that you don't really like these things, you just eat them because you don't want to come across as rude. While you're at it, put the kibosh on the cheese ball, the pecan log, the green bean casserole (yes, with the 'French Fried Onions' on top), and anything that comes out of a can. This includes, but is not limited to Cranberry Sauce. The F.A. opened a can of this stuff this after to put on her sandwich. It is wrong. Anything that retains the shape of its container after being removed from it, makes no damn sense. Anything short of ice, and it melts. Back to the article:

"Available at: Payless Liquors, 1743 E. Main St., Plainfield (317) 838-7281; Payless Liquors, 2511 Albany St., Beech Grove, (317) 788-4139; Elite Beverages, 5780 Sunnyside Road, (317) 823-8790."

I reckon the shoe business isn't doing all that hot, so they've expanded. Also, could this be a 'loose' interpretation of the word 'Elite'?

"St. Julian Winery Passionate Peach Spumante, Michigan, $8. Delightful blend of peach nectar, passionfruit juice and sparkling wine. Perfect pour for brunch. Serve with cinnamon-apple pancakes and sausage links or cheese-egg casserole and hickory-smoked bacon."

Wow! Maybe there's something lost in translation, but this sounds disgusting. And what the hell is a cheese-egg casserole? Is that like a quiche? Oh, that's right, football dudes don't eat that shit. For that matter, neither do I. A frittata? Sounds a bit funny. I appreciate the attempt at offering food pairings, but this reads all bad.

"St. Julian Winery Raspberry Spumante, Michigan, $8. Think fresh-picked raspberries from the bush, mixed with sweet, soft bubbles. Tasty treat for breakfast with waffles, pancakes or with chocolate desserts -- oh my!"

Oh my! is right. How about 'Think about ordering a beer'?