Monkeys at the helm?

I suppose that is open for interpretation, but either way you come down on that one, this is what happens when rational thought gets trumped by 'safety':

Winery Gets a Taste of the Bioterrorism Act

I have previously opined on the effects of this 'Act' but that was mostly concerning its effect on the shipping of Champagne and Burgundy from around the world to our shores. Well, it looks like the proverbial 'chicken has come home to roost':

Napa Valley's Silverado Vineyards prides itself on tailoring its winemaking processes to the unique character of its grapes. But new Food & Drug Administration requirements under the U.S. Bioterrorism Act are forcing the winery to document more than just the oak and bay leaf flavors in its Merlot.

"There are identification and lot numbers on ingredients we use that we've never had to write down," said Elena Franceschi, assistant winemaker at the 35-year-old vineyard. "That includes the bottling supplies as well. The FDA wants to know what glass from what production date, and even what cork touched the wine. It's a monumental amount of paperwork to track." (emphasis T.t.S.)

That's right. This is the same FDA that can't decide whether that drug you saw advertised on TV is going to kill you or turn you into God's gift to women. And now they want to know the source of the glass bottles. I guess my initial reaction is this:

1. I would think the number of producers that make wine bottles would be relatively low and relatively easy to track down. This isn't exactly like setting up a Meth lab in the back seat of your .74 Duster. Maybe I'm wrong, but I suspect Mondavi (now Constellation) isn't sourcing bottles from 50 different producers. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if they have their own glassworks.

2. Would they know what to do with this sort of information, even if they had it?

"Each yeast sold for winemaking has a lot number that has to be tracked," said Doug Campbell, vice president of winery systems at eSkye. "A winery may use 40 different types of yeast for hundreds of lots of wine, which are then blended. It's very complex -- a 59-gallon barrel of wine may be blended from 100 different batches."

So this begs the question: What about a winery that uses indigenous yeast? For those unaware, there is yeast evverywhere. There's even some yeast on your person right now. More than a few wineries, albeit many of them French, don't use cultured yeasts in their winemaking. They rely on the naturally occurring yeast that lives and breathes in the same vineyards that the grapes do. I would think it pretty difficult to apply a 'lot number' to something that is natural. Of course, this leaves the door wide open for a new designation: Rogue Yeast Cells.

I can already hear the key points in this new opposition (enter your favorite political impersonation here): There's yeast out there...And unlike most yeast, it doesn't pledge allegiance to any nation....It's sole purpose is to attack the sugar and destroy it....Our precious sugar....But as soon as the yeast attacks, it dies, leaving a wine with a reasonable amount of alcohol....This a 'new' enemy, one which seeks to change our whole way of life....Imagine, a world where high octane Zinfandels cease to exist...The horror...

Maybe, I should stop.

"You add egg white to some red wines," she said. "So if I run down to the store to pick up a dozen eggs, I'll have to enter all the coding from that carton."

So think it through. Not only do they want all the info from the winery about glass, cork, label, and the origin of each, they also want the skinny on the eggs from which the whites are used in fining the wine. And what about the producer of the styrofoam container. Unbelievable. Of course, it's probably equally unbelievable that Elena Franceschi comes in to work one day and thinks "Shit, I need some eggs."

At the end of the day, it seems that maybe not all is lost. By the looks of this, our government is alive and well, busy collecting endless mountains of poo. And while I have no intention of offering the supporters of the 'Three Tier System' any advice, I am quite surprised that those clowns haven't starting tooting their horn about how vital their presence is in this new fight againt terrorism.

I'm sure it's only a matter of time.