How many ways are there to skin a cat?

I'm not sure what the number is, but you can add four more to the total:

Nomacorc Unveils Extended Line of Engineered Wine Closures;
Introducing the Light, Smart, Classic and Premium

I guess one type of synthetic closure simply wasn't enough. Taking a cue from Riedel (you wouldn't dare drink that overpriced zinfandel from a Bordeaux glass, would you?), Nomacorc has developed four (that's right, 4) different tiers of their synthetic cork. Supposedly each one is designed specifically for certain types of wine. I promise, I'm not making this shit up:

Nomacorc(R)light

A closure designed specifically for the value-priced market segment and light-styled wines. The light protects wines that are typically consumed within a year of the purchase date. Available fourth quarter, 2005.

nomacorc(R)smart -- Engineered for all wine varietals within the popular market segment. The smart provides high-quality wine protection for a minimum of 24 months.

nomacorc(R)classic

The company's flagship closure, the classic is the result of 10 years of engineering and research, protecting many premium international brands. It is the industry standard for synthetic wine closure performance, providing maximum protection for a minimum of 36 months. The classic is now color optimized with a matching core and wood grain outer skin.

nomacorc(R)premium

Our most advanced product to date, the premium represents the apex of synthetic cork technology. The premium is ideal for winemakers and consumers seeking a capable closure for long-term cellaring, ensuring protection for a minimum of 60 months. Available third quarter, 2006.

Assuming that the various studies about wine consumption in this country are right and unfortunately I think they are, why is this necessary? It goes like this: Something like 90% of all wine sold in the U.S. is purchased within one year of its being produced. Furthermore, somewhere around 95% of the wine purchased in the U.S. is consumed within a week of it being bought. The point? Most people don't lay their wines down for aging. For the most part, this isn't a bad thing, the wine was crap when they bought it. What's that saying about polishing a turd?

I can only assume that as one goes up the proverbial 'quality' ladder that the price follows suit. Why would the producer even consider using anything other than the 'Light'. Getting people to accept the Stelvin closure as a viable alternative is hard enough. I would think trying to get people to a.) recognize and b.) appreciate the differences in these four choices would be like pissing up a rope. Is the producer going to put some blurb on the back label waxing eloquent on the devotion to quality and thus 'We only use premium Nomacorc products'? I doubt it. That would take away from the valuable real estate that is the back of the bottle telling the monkeys that buy it how this chardonnay goes great with fish, chicken, fruit, cheese, cheesy fish, and fruity chicken.

Of course, Nomacorc stopped calling me for advice a while back. Good luck, fellas.