A Look at The Dark Side

Regular readers of this thing blog already know my attitude towards many elements of my chosen trade. I have little patience for the critics that most people subscribe to, front labels with 'cute' animals and seemingly totally unrelated descriptors, back labels that run on with the usual babble of vanilla and dark fruit, chicken, pasta,and anthing else one might think of ingesting.

I now know that these things are quite harmless. They pale in comparison to the real enemy. I have seen thy enemy and his name is Tony. Or, it was at one time. Now it's James, or Michael, or whoever else works in the god-forsaken place known as Tony's Wine Warehouse.

If you are in the business, do yourself a favor and read the article. Be prepared. You will want to take a shower afterwards.

Here are but a few of the un-****ing-believable things that they say to sell wine:

"I think every woman in America should start off with a glass of champagne at about 6:30 in the morning," he insists. "I'm thinking two would be perfect, but I'll be satisfied with one. I think you'll be a better woman for it, you'll live longer, and I think your day would go much better."

and

"Tony's is a professional wine merchant specializing in wines from small boutique wineries," it reads. "These chemical-free wines mean no headaches, allergies or harmful reactions."

and

Wine fermented and aged in French oak barrels tastes like mushrooms, Winkler says. Wine matured in American oak tastes like a campfire. The reason? In America, winery workers jump inside the barrels and scorch the sides to a thick char before they're filled with juice. In France, it all boils down to what the trees eat.

"The tree that produces this barrel grows up against every black and white truffle in the world," he explains. "When you cut this tree down, the tree has been feeding off these mushrooms for centuries. And when you cut the tree down, all of the oil that's in these truffles is inherently in this oak."

then it gets even better

Hence, these barrels are expensive. Typically, a single 50-gallon French oak barrel costs between $35,000 and $65,000, Winkler says. Burnt American oak barrels carry a $30,000 price tag. Oak barrels coopered in Australia--produced from a French oak forest replica (Australia is the first country in the world to successfully replicate a French oak forest, according to Winkler)--cost roughly $40,000. This is why wines fermented and aged in oak aren't cheap.

Think about questioning them, think again - cue The Godfather soundtrack:

"Me, I don't use court," he says flatly. "Besides court, I use the best investigation company in the country. And I'll find out everything about that person since the day he was born."

It doesn't stop there:

Then there's the dubious information. One of the most consistently circulated Tony's myths concerns "deep root wines," or the claim that vines with deep roots (up to 10,000 feet deep, according to Winkler) produce superior wines. (emphasis T.t.S.)

For the mathematically challenged, that's nearly 2 miles into the earth. Trust me - (not in the Used Car Lot sense of the term), this is a ridiculous statement.

Then a classic move, like something from Glengarry Glen Ross:

As he poured a sample of Poppy Hill Cabernet Sauvignon from California, a man slipped from behind the counter and left the store. The salesman paused and smiled. "Now that he's gone, I can do something about the prices," he said. He pulled out a sheet. "Now that he's gone, this is what I can show you. The normal prices are these." He pointed to a column on the left. "I can do it for those prices." He pointed to a column of much lower prices on the right. "But I couldn't...do it until he was gone, because he's the owner...So I can do you better prices on things. So I was doing it kind of half-heartedly with you."

And I wonder why first timers at my shop are somewhat reluctant to trust me on my suggestions? This is seriously one of the most disgusting things I've read in some time.

Believe me, I only scratched the surface with the article.

Those of you in the Dallas area, do yourself a favor and check it out