Wow!

Who knew you could do so many 'great things' with a bottle of Arbor Mist?!?

From their 'Drink Recipes' section:

Peach Pitt

1 chilled 750ml bottle Arbor Mist - Peach Chardonnay
1 cup Peach Schnapps
Garnish with slice of peach

In a pitcher stir together Arbor Mist - Peach Chardonnay and Peach Schnapps. Fill each of 6 wine glasses. Stir and serve.

Seriously, just reading this makes me want to vomit. Aren't there laws governing the amount of peach 'flavor' someone is allowed to consume in one sitting? If not, there should be.

And one more thing from the FAQ section:

Q. What if I get a bottle that just doesn't taste right?

A. Arbor Mist winery strives to produce the highest quality products. However, since wine is a naturally fermented product made from grapes, there are many factors than can affect it once it leave our cellars. If you purchase a bottle of Arbor Mist that is not of its usual fine quality, please retain the bottle and any remaining product and contact us directly via the Arbor Mist Contact Us Page. Your inquiry will be responded to by one of our Consumer Relations Representatives.

Can I get a ruling on that 'usual fine quality' bit?

And people actually drink this shit.

How low can the bar go?

As it turns out, pretty damn low.

As seen on the internet:

"White Zinfandel (Whyt ZIN-fan-dell) Made from the Zinfandel grapes. Usually sweet, fruity, crisp and fresh."

I appreciate the effort but if your target audience needs pronunciation guides for not just the word 'zinfandel' but the word 'white' as well, maybe you've got bigger problems than you think.

Check out this glossary for other 'really-hard-to-pronounce' words like:

Merlot (Mare-LOW),
Syrah (Seer-rah), and
Chardonnay (Shar-done-NAY).

Also available is a wealth of knowledge like food pairings:

Pizza

Barbera (as in the second half of the cartoon people)
Cabernet Franc
Chardonnay
Gamay Beaujolais
Gewürztraminer
Merlot
Mourvèdre
Sauvignon Blanc
Syrah
Zinfandel

And even pick up some recipe ideas like this one for Clam Puffs.

MMM, MMM, Good!

Nothing says 'Welcome to my Home' like a glass of Arbor Mist Peach Chardonnay and a tray of piping hot Clam Puffs.

Sweet.

A better mousetrap?!?

A friend turned me on to this article and as he suspected was simply too good to pass up for comment:

Wine Scanner Has Perfect Palette

The gist of it is that some dude along with a few UC Davis profs got together and designed a CAT Scan machine for wine. From the article:

MRI technology can detect bad wine by analyzing the chemical compounds found in the drink. Bottles under investigation are placed inside a 6-foot, boiler-like cylinder, and radio waves are shot through them.

The compounds that make wine taste bad -- acetic acid, or vinegar, and acid aldehyde, another distasteful compound -- absorb radio waves at different rates than wine that's still good.

Admittedly, I am no scientist. I do however have a healthy curiousity for the study of things and straight-away, I have a couple of thoughts. First off, maybe I'm wrong but are the brothers acid (acetic and aldehyde) the only things that cause wine to taste off or fouled? I should think not but then again, I am no expert. And what about TCA (corked wine)? Can it tell you about that? I guess it doesn't really matter because in the event that you get a bad bottle, you can go get one of these. Look Ma!!! No more TCA!!

Secondly, am I wrong or is going through a CAT scan a less than desirable thing to do? Don't the people administering the process hide behind shit for fear of exposure? Would or could this have a potential impact on the health of the wine? I would have to think so. But more importantly, good luck trying to find some retailer that's going to let you step out the door with 10-12 cases of First Growth Bordeaux - unpaid - so you can have some jackhole shoot x-rays at them.

But it gets better:

"It's more sensitive than the human palette," said Mulvihill. "This is not a subjective thing, this is science. This is absolute. We can tell exactly how much acid aldehyde is in there with the MRI."

Here is where Old Man Mulvihill starts getting a little carried away. It seems to me that many things in science are very much subjective, not the least of which is wine. Sure, you may be able to tell me how much acid is in the wine, but what about the other components? Is this the future of wine? Similar to your 'sleep number', people can now find out what level of acid they can tolerate in a wine and base their buying habits on that? But he doesn't stop there:

"I just tested 30 bottles that were bought at auction and 12 were not perfect," said Mulvihill. "A lot of the wine out there is off. It's not good."

I'm going to go this step by step. First off, pay attention to the word 'auction'. Dr. Strangelove makes no mention of the provenance of said wine - was it stored in the caves of the Domaine or did they come out of a woodshed in North Florida? Secondly, as per his 'not subjective' comment earlier, what's this with the word 'perfect'? The Ford Pinto was 'perfect' for apparently more than one person in this world. Of course, those who bought one obviously had no concern for styling or performance. And 12 out of 30? My rough knowledge of numbers makes that come out at around 40%!!! That's even higher than the totally absurd numbers that are tossed about concerning corkage rates.

Mr. Mulvihill, best of luck. I'd love to help you out, but I'm all stocked up on crazy.

Business 102 - When Consolidation Goes Wrong

This just in:

National Distributing still sucks.

Full explaination to come.

Clever author writes eye-catching headline

Looking over the news feeds yesterday, I came across something that most definitely got my attention:

US threatens wine war with Europe

The crux of the matter evidently comes down to a matter of how wine is produced, i.e. the methods employed to acheive a desired effect. From the article:

"These include adding oak wood chips to barrels of wine to hasten the ageing process, adding water to must (the grape juice before fermentation is complete), and the use of ion extractors to reduce acidity."

Depending on who you talk to and who you believe - none, some, or all of these things are routinely practiced throughout France (and the rest of Europe for that matter), yet they just don't admit to it. I may be naïve in my thinking, but I simply do not believe this. I know there are plenty of people who swear up and down that Kermit Lynch, Neal Rosenthal, et al are merely blowing the proverbial smoke when they speak of organic growing practices, no fining or filtration, etc, etc.. I disagree.

"European Union officials, pushed by traditionalists, are so far refusing to extend a current dispensation allowing the American practices, but US officials say that if no agreement is reached they will tighten application of the Bioterrorism Act."

It was this paragraph and a statement earlier about 'an wine accord' between the two parties that got me really going. I put arguably more time than I should have trying to find a copy of said accord, to no avail. However, if you are really damn bored or find yourself awake late at night and want to get to sleep real fast, go check out the website for The Office of the United States Trade Representative. After about ten minutes of looking around this place, one question comes immediately to mind:

How the hell does anything get done!?!

What little I was able to glean from the 7-8 million .pdf files was that this is probably more a matter of taxation than anything else. I'm guessing that the French aren't really down with the methods that certain companies use and as such have set different tarrif rates on such products. In a way, this makes (albeit protectionist) sense. Instead of buying barrels made by French coopers from French Oak harvested by French LumberJacques (sorry), the American winemaker can toss a bag of sawdust in the vat and save himself a bunch of time and money. Does the extra couple of cents tacked on to each bottle of Russian River Chard make up the difference, I doubt it. But the reaction of the U.S. government seems a bit extreme.

In yet another example short-sightedness and stupidity, our boys 'up on the hill' have started a viniferous version of 'I'll just take my ball and go home', except with far greater consequences. The amount of red tape that is the Bioterrorism Act (available here in.pdf - all 657 pages of it), is simply unreal. I have commented in the past about this and it seems that little if anything has changed. That includes the use of a document created 'for safety' as a sledge hammer for getting one's way.

At the end of the day this is little more than a pissing match between the EU and the US. Unfortunately, this one is over something that I make my living off of and the less hassle it is to get the wines I want and sell here, the better. I can only hope that cooler heads will prevail.

What not to drink this summer

To fully compile a list like this would take years. But thanks to my friends over at the San Frnacisco Gate, they've gotten a head start:

White

2004 McWilliam's South Eastern Australia Riesling ($10)

2004 Four Emus Western Australia Sauvignon Blanc/Semillon ($10)

2004 Four Emus Western Australia Chardonnay ($10)

2003 Fish Eye California Chardonnay ($8)

2003 Leaping Lizard Napa Valley Chardonnay ($10)

Red

2003 Four Emus Western Australia Cabernet Sauvignon/Shiraz/Merlot ($10)

2003 Leaping Lizard Los Carneros Pinot Noir ($10)

2003 Screw Kappa Napa Napa Valley Zinfandel ($10)

2002 Block Wine California Cabernet Sauvignon ($10/1.5 liters)

2002 Dog House Checkers' Cab California Cabernet Sauvignon ($9)

For future reference, I think it's probably a safe bet to avoid anything with an animal on it. And if you read anything like this on the label/website:

...wiry ostrichlike emus are "The rock stars of the Outback. They run fast, play hard, and to be honest, we admire their insanity. "

Run like Hell.

France (collectively) jumping the shark?

From decanter.com:

French national vin de pays revived

Surprise, Surprise....I think this is a horrible idea.

"The concept of a national vin de pays - one that will allow blending between different regions and which may be called Vin de Pays de France or Cepage de France - is anathema to many growers."

From the looks of it, more than a few people in France are dangling a toe or two over the edge fully prepared to try and compete with the Super-Duper Agri-Corps of Australia. Assuming that winemakers in France honestly feel this is the answer to their prayers (or the cure for their ailments) is simply sad.

"Other major figures have been behind the idea from the beginning. Jean-Marie Chadronnier of Dourthe said, 'What is important is that things are kept simple. We should be able to say, This is a merlot from France. Period. We shouldn't have to explain the wine to the consumer."

I beg to differ. Unlike other art forms, wine (and yes, it is an art) cannot be 'simplified' without serious implications. By its very nature, wine is (or at least should be) complex. With music or painting or sculpture, it is possible to 'de-construct' and in doing so, create something new and (arguably) more complex. With wine, not so much.

Kessler said that the survival of France depends on selling wine in the supermarkets. While 30% of wine is regionally labelled, the vast majority is branded. France has to take its share of that market - but at present it does not have the means.

With this logic, what would Mr. Kessler suggest to combat the market share that Kraft 'yellow cheese' currently enjoys?

My two cents: 'Branding' doesn't mean 'better'.

What is and what should never be

I'm sure it's no surprise that I have little if any patience for the manner in which wine is now marketed. And over the past 8-9 months I have pointed this out from time to time. Finally, someone has quit dancing around the issue and thus 'cut to the chase':

For wine labels, forget the vintage; check out the image

That's right, nothing else matters anymore. And while this is from a paper in Middleground, Ohio, given the stores quoted and the 'Cox News Service' by-line, I suspect that this article originally ran in the Atlanta Urinal. Unbelievable.

"It's totally visual for me,"said Kimberly Davis. "I need to click with the outside."

WTF!?!?

The French even have joined the action. A line of French wines called "Drink & Eat" features enameled decoration on the bottles that pair the $8 wines with what is being served. Having pork? Get the bottle with the pigs on it. Lamb? Get the bottle with the sheep. There's also a bottle with spaghetti and tortellini on it for pasta dishes — sort of Garanimals for wine.

I would argue that in fact the French have not joined in the action, rather the American importers have. And while it may be cute to put the corresponding livestock on the label, I'm not sure how many people want to be looking at a scene from 'Babe in the City' while gnawing on a plate of ribs. Maybe I just don't get it.

"They're eye-catching, and they take the decision process out of the equation," said Larry Davis, president of LD Imports Inc., in Renton, Wash., which has imported the bottles for about a year.

I guess that makes it official, I really don't get it. What's so taxing about 'the decision process'? And I suppose I find the use of the word 'equation' rather curious. Because as with the title of the article, it gets to the core of these peoples' approach to wine, or more importantly business. It seems to me that at the end of the day, it really is nothing more than an equation to most people: 'How do we move units?' At the risk of sounding like I'm above all of this, I find this sort of attitude extremely short-sighted. Obviously, I am in the business of selling wine. And as such, it is in my interest to make a profit. But there has to be a more interactive approach in how this is done. Think about the old 'Teach a man to fish' concept. It is this monkey's opinion that educating your clients is the way to increase sales and ensure return visits, not selling them some cute animal shit. Of course, we already established the fact that I don't get it, so there you go. When I read this kind of stuff, I wonder if people like Larry Davis would know the difference between selling wine and rubber hoses. I suspect not.

"I don't have time to learn about wine," she said. "But I like wine, so I buy something that clicks with me, that evokes a feeling or a memory, then I've already got a good connection with it before I even open it."

Holy shit.

First off, how busy are you that you don't have time to learn about wine. Unless you are simultaneously finding a cure for AIDS, cancer, and the common cold, balancing the U.S. Budget, bringing about world peace, searching for the WMD's, and running for public office, you have time to learn about wine. In fact, I have clients that are doing all of the above and they have all sorts of time to learn about wine. Secondly, what the hell does this mean:
'then I've already got a good connection with it before I even open it.'
How is this possible?!? How do you develop a 'good connection' with anything before you have tried it. By turning the corkscrew on yourself and extracting what's left of you brain. Ms. Davis, I pity you. And if you ever come to a point in your life that you decide you have enough time to 'learn about wine', feel free to give me a call.

On second thought, forget it. Your head might explode.

Sticking it to le homme

From Decanter.com:

Violence 'wil escalate' in southern France

It looks like the CRAV (everybody's favorite militant wine group) is just getting warmed up. But evidently not all that is attributed to CRAV is the work of CRAV:

'It's not what it used to be,' he said. 'Some winemakers are using the organisation as a front for their own, individual actions. There are people who are using the CRAV to express their own discontent. It has been badly used – people are signing CRAV on the walls when they're not part of it.'

Maybe something to keep in mind when making generalizations like about people from the South (we're not all racist), people from the U.S. (were not all idiots who blindly support G.W. or any of the rest of the monkeys up on the hill), and so on...

'They say we're the ones who resort to violence but who committed the first act of violence? The economic violence visited on all the producers who've made so much effort on their wines for no reward,' he said.

I, in no way condone these types of actions but it is somewhat understandable where they are coming from. Again, it was the growers/producers in the Languedoc/Roussillon who saw the writing on the walls sometime back and addressed the issues of overplanting and overproduction. Then he brings the ringer:

'We've made efforts. What have the Bordelais done? They've been making a load of rubbish for ages,' he said, describing Bordeaux and Bordeaux Supérieur as 'de la merde'.

For those of you lacking in the French department, that translate roughly into 'Their wine is shit'. I would say apples to apples, I would have to agree. The qualitative difference between the wines of the Languedoc and those of general Bordeaux and Bordeaux Supérior is exponential.

Although this guy better be careful with his words. I remember a while back that some writer for a respected journal in France wrote of Beaujolais something like 'C'est vin de merde'. They were calling for his head.

Sticking it to the man

The workers seem to be uniting and making a bit of noise concerning the treatment of seasonal/migrant workers by the almighty Gallo of Sonoma. I've been following this for a bit and frankly I'm quite surprised that they are taking it to this level. It comes down to somwhere between 220-300 'employees' that didn't get health benefits and/or vacation time by way of the last contract negotiations.

So what's a union to do? Boycott, of course.

"Today, a viral campaign began against Gallo," UFW President Arturo Rodriguez told a crowd of about 200 gathered on the steps of City Hall, saying Gallo has mistreated workers and allowed them to live in poor conditions. "We are launching into cyberspace the news stories on living conditions and the invitation for people of goodwill to join our boycott."

I have little doubt that the things the union is asking for aren't warranted. But how do you get the word out on a national/global scale?:

".... union leaders hope to enlist the support of groups such as the left-leaning moveon.org, Working Assets and Union Voice, but he said they have not had those discussions yet."

Doesn't it seem a little bit backwards to announce the on-line assault before finding sympathetic avenues of distribution? And judging on the last Presidential election, I'm not exactly sure moveon.org will garner the desired results. In fact, it just may increase sales via free advertising for Gallo. Not that they need the help.

I guess the most curious thing about this is the concept of 'boycotting' Gallo as a whole. Apparently people have been electing to do so for some time, regardless of working conditions. Need proof? Take a glance at their portfolio. You'll see quite quickly that the vast majority of them are marketed under various names, few of which are 'Gallo'.

I can see it now. Housewife walks into local bottle shop and pronounces her disdain for Gallo, demands another recommendation. Shit-for-brains desk clerk emphatically recommends Black Swan ('It's from Australia!') or how about a bottle of DaVinci ('Chianti for people who prefer Kool-Aid'). Housewife sleeps well at night knowing she did her part, the bottle shop moves a couple of bottles, and Gallo just made some more money.

Screw Gallo, man. Gimme a bottle of Red Bicyclette!

Right on.

Good Lord!!

I'm sure this will turn up in the 'News of the Weird' section somewhere but it's coming from The Mirror, apparently the best newspaper on the web. Here's the entire article:

11 June 2005
WINE PUT IN COFFIN

AN alcoholic mum was granted her dying wish to be buried with the £2.50 bottle of wine she never managed to drink.

Beverley Anne Burnett, 37, who died of multiple organ failure last week, downed at least six bottles of Lambrusco a day.

Her parents, Pat, 62, and Ron Burnett, 68, agreed to her final wish because they said "she would never forgive us if we didn't".

The mum-of-three's family, of Bradford, also hope by revealing her wish they will warn others about the dangers of alcohol abuse.

Daughter Michaela, 16, said: "Seeing Mum in hospital would put you off drink for life."

Multiple Organ Failure?!? Wow.

I guess there's no medical term for organs quitting in protest.

Pricing - What does it mean?

I understand that this is a somewhat rhetorical question but one that I have been pondering for a few days now. Earlier in the week, I was looking around at Mark Squires' BB on Parker's site, wasting a few minutes that I will never get back. Among the various tasting notes and random discussions, one thread immediately caught my eye:

Topic: Favorite Cabs in the $60-90 range.

Straight-away my mind started racing. First thought: What a curious way to qualify wine. I'll admit that I (and probably most others on the board) pretty much knew what wines this guy was talking about. And reading the discussion all the usual suspects were in attendance: Shafer, Pride, Ramey, Hartwell, Montelena, etc... I guess that I'm a bit curious why he didn't just say 'Favorite Pre-Req Trophy Cabs' instead.

More importantly though, I am curious as to how the price of a wine effects the preception one gets from it. Obviously, pricing is a very important factor. Price is what dictates whether I have Duck Confit or chicken wings, as I did last night with a beautiful Vouvray as well as a Priorat. But to use price as a qualifier seems, well rather silly.

At the risk of sounding naïve, I honestly look at wine (at least the stuff I sell) as a work of art. And those who make the wine, I truly consider artists. As such, I find it ridiculous that one would take the approach as was used in the thread. Is one Picasso 'better' than another because it costs more? Could you ask the same question about musicians who charge between $60 and $90 to watch them preform? I would think not.

I understand that most people in the wine business are also in the business of making money. Some moreso than others. I guess I have always assumed that (remember, I sell only Old World wines) what drove the price more than anything was simple economics. The old 'Supply and Demand' game. Hence DRC is released at $1500-$1800 per bottle. And the allocation for Georgia/South Carolina was three bottles.

I'd be curious to hear from readers about this.

For the man who has everything

I know it only June but the marketing geniuses of the world are positive that it's never too early to start thinking about Christmas. So, in case you're at a loss as to what to get for the wine-obsessed monkey in you life, I recommend this:

Sassicaia launches Mini version

That's right, A brand-spanking new Mini Cooper S done up like a bottle of Sassicaia.

Here's a shot of the roof:



Go here for more photos of the car.

Better hurry though, eight of the twelve have already sold. How much, you ask? At the current rate of exchange, you can land one of these things for about $50,000 - tax, tag, and title. They even throw in a bottle of the namesake juice.

Marketing to morons

Inspired by my previous post, I went and wasted about ten minutes of y life that I will never get back at the website of Little Penguin

From this point on I will refer to it as the 'Wee Pee' and the propoganda that is this site is unbelievable. It's so cute I nearly vomited. They've got all the bases covered. From storage tips:

1. Store the bottle on its side. This keeps the cork moist, preventing oxygen from getting into the bottle and ruining the wine. It also keeps it from getting knocked over when your burrow gets rocking.
3. Store the bottle in a cool, dark spot. Wines keep best in places that are below 70 degrees with no direct sunlight. Penguins have little or no choice in this matter.
4. Store the bottle in a still place. Vibration does not help wine so on top of the speakers or under the bed may not be the best choice.

Seriously. I find hard to believe this actually works but it must be. I love the inuendos throughout. Of course, anyone cool enough to be drinking Wee Pee is gonna be rocking all night, both in the living room and in the bed.

But what about food?

the Little Penguin Chardonnay with fresh seafood or by itself at a beach party.
the Little Penguin Shiraz with pizza.
the Little Penguin Merlot with a grilled chicken salad or homemade Italian foods.
the Little Penguin Cabernet Sauvignon with every carnivore’s favorite, meat on the barbie.

So there you go. All the major food groups are covered and there's absolutely no reason to buy any other wine in the world. One stop shopping for the monkeys.

The last thing I came across before I started to pull my eyes out of my skull was this:

the Little Penguin Wine Personality Test

Suffice it to say, I could not be taxed to submit my email address, required to get the results. I have a sneaking suspicion that regardless which of the four answers you select to the the ten questions, the results are the same:

You are an idiot. Thanks for your cash.

Honestly, is this the future of wine?!? God willing and the creeks don't rise, I trust not.

Little Penguin, you say?

It seems that the latest and greatest of wines carrying an image of some cute animal with some unnecessary adjective has crossed the 'Mil' mark.

Party for recipient of millionth Little Penguin case

Here's the entire article:

The one millionth case of one of Sunraysia's most popular export wine brands has rolled off the bottling line.

Southcorp's Little Penguin brand was launched at the Karadoc winery in north-west Victoria a year ago. It targets younger consumers, primarily in the United States.

Southcorp's Doug Rogers says innovative marketing has been the key to success in the current world oversupply climate and that will continue in the medium term.

"We're putting a transponder in the one millionth case and we will follow it around the world as it heads to the United States," he said.

"While we have a general idea of where it's going to go, we don't know exactly and someone will open up the millionth case and hopefully phone us and we will track them down and have a little party when that happens."

A million cases in one year?!? I have to admit that this in rather impressive until you think of how much other crap is sold in obscene quantities. I like the part about not knowing exactly where it's going. I suspect they have better than a 50/50 idea as to its final destination. I'd be willing to bet it isn't Sheboygen. And as far as the whole 'hopefully they'll call' thing is concerned, isn't that the whole point of the transponder in the first place? Then there is the possibility that the 'winner' may be unwilling to call in so as to admit to God and Man that he/she is drinking this shit.

Maybe they can roll Ed McMahon with a gang of cameras, get some streamers and confetti and scare the hell out of some housewife. It'll be great.

(One of) Newton's Law in full effect

I know everybody was running around like giddy little schoolgirls after the Supreme Court decision a couple of weeks back but it's time for a reality check.

Illinois might restrict all wine shipments in response to ruling

That's right. Exactly what I expected to happen and there will be many more cases of this to be sure.

The state's powerful alcohol-distribution lobbies on Tuesday began hinting that Illinois should consider banning all direct-shipment wine orders -- including shipments from in-state wineries -- rather than allow unrestricted wine from all over the country to flow to Illinois mailboxes.

Remember, for every action, there is an equal and opposite re-action. Oh yeah, there's one more:

"This could open Illinois wines to a lot of other states," said state Sen. David Luechtefeld, R-Okawville, whose Southern Illinois region is in the epicenter of the state's fledgling wine industry.

I know I'm going to sound like a total jerk on this one but that's never stopped me before.

Dear Sen. Luechtefeld: Nobody cares about the 'great' wines of Illinois. Truth be told, most people probably don't even know where it is, much less are they aware that you make something called 'wine'. Best of luck, you're gonna need it.

Return of the Jaded

Depending on your point of view this could be a good thing or a bad one. Either way, I'm back. I got to see many, many friends that I had not seen in way too long and got to hear some amazing music.

If you have a few minutes to kill or a few bones burning a hole in your pocket, I would highly recommend seeking out some of the following bands, in no particular order. It will be worth your while:

YOB (Oregon)
KeelHaul (Ohio)
5ive (Boston)
Torche (Florida)
Trephine (Baltimore)
Deadbird (Arkansas)
Pelican (Chicago)
Rwake (Arkansas)
Meatjack (Baltimore)
Mouth of the Architect (Ohio)

With no further adieu, we now return to our regularly scheduled programming.